. . .

One the one hand

On the one hand, I want to send you folk odd email.

On the other hand, I'm lazy.

So, I will send you something I wrote for someone else. They had asked specifically for something about Muppets. It also has the "Alloni does the Dance of" shtick. Let's watch and see how it develops.

I'm on some sort of Seinfeld kick for some reason. I try not to pry too deeply into the workings of my inner psyche. I'm afraid that I would eventually come face to face with my deepest, darkest, most depressing inner self, and I would look into it's eyes, and it would slowly start to smile, and even more slowly start to reach for me.

And that would, like, totally suck, 'n stuff.

Apparently I work in a hotbed of corporate intrigue. But it's a secret. So I can't tell you.

Muppets. Hmph.

I mean, give me some rope here, people! I can easily mock Seinfeld. And yaks. And the inner recesses of my own soul. But there is NOTHING funny about Muppets.

A Muppet killed my mother.

Oh, not directly. It managed to get away with it on a technicality. "Satanic voices speaking from Muppets telling you to slice yourself up with a butter knife are not the fault of Jim Henson Productions." Nyah. It's all the fault of the Democrats. If they hadn't taken this country away from the Godfearing Republicans, my mother would still be alive. And I wouldn't rape nuns.

I've also started on an odd "Alloni does the Dance of" shtick. Like so:

Which is kind of neat when used around 5 times in one email and then abandoned for around 6 months or so.

However, I have to be careful not to overdo it. What if there came a time in around a week when "Alloni does the Dance of" would just be amazingly appropriate, and I had already overused it? These things take a certain amount of natural talent, and even more training.

But now you too can be just as funny as Alloni, with "The Mazing Looni School o' Comedy and Bar & Grill". Located conveniently upstairs from the offices of Merril Lynch Investment Brokers, we teach you the fundamentals of comedy. Timing, energy, and satire are all covered in this intensive 3 day course. If you aren't a screaming laugh riot when you're done, we will cheerfully admit in public that we are heartless slobs who just want your money. But not very public. Maybe just to you. Here are some testimonials from some of our customers.

"This course helped me a lot. Thank you Alloni." Christopher Walken, comedian extraordianire. "I would prefer a more public apology." California Department of Agriculture. "You are a plague upon the land." Rabbi Moshe Adonai "I'm [not] going to kill you." Gerald Lippanizer, Butcher.

Order now! Operators are standing by!

Wasn't that just a shining sparkling twinkling gem of light in an otherwise dark brooding depressing infinite blackness that is your soul and life and reality and dog biscuits?

I mean, have you ever eaten one of those things? Many types don't taste BAD, per se, there's just something subtly wrong about it. You don't get more gothic than that.