. . .

Coroner of my eye

Yes, my eye is dead.

Corner Of My Eye for 5/18/98 By Alloni Kramer

You ever look at liquid laundry detergent? What? Is the deal? With that?

That would be a Seinfeld reference, yes. You get a piece of bean cake.

It's good! Sugary.

Too late.

Las llamas tienen un pico para comer miel.

Cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, las llamas! Hey hey hey!

Good night, a ding ding ding ding ding.

Good night, a ding ding ding ding ding ding.

One more. Or less, depending on your point of view.

My point of view seems to be all wonky. I think the alignment is off. "Yes, here's your problem. You've got this thing set to evil."

I know, I know. "Alloni is the most evil, heartless person to walk the face of the planet. He should be ground up and fed to poodles." Thank you. I love you too.

One can never be sure of these things. Which things? These things. Which things? These Things. The ones in the closet. Next to Guido. And Geraldo.

Welcome to the grenadine village. May I take your coat?

I think that was morse code. What it was saying, I don't know. Probably "Get me out of here!"

Java bubble wrap. What? Is the deal? With that?

Franciscan monk to you too. Are you sure you don't want to give me your coat?

I'll treat it nicely. I won't get any stains on it.

Please? I promise.

Yaks don't leave stains on coats.

No they don't.

I've been keeping this yak as a coatrack for many years now. Not a single stain yet.

Of course I'm sure it's a real yak. It's moving, isn't it?

If I had the money for an animatronic yak, I'd put it into something useful, like a glowing revolving Edison bust room dehumidifier and cigarette lighter.

Look, it doesn't matter whether or not the yak it real. All that's important is you giving me your coat.

I think I have a compromise for you. How about you give ME your coat.

Of course that's a compromise. According to the dictionary:

com-pro-mise n. 1. A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.

So this is quite clearly a compromise.

I'm... allowing you to delay a little while before giving me your coat. Say, the duration of this conversation. As long as it doesn't stretch too long.

You sure?

It's no inconvenience, I assure you. I'm quite experienced at keeping coats. You might even call it a hobby of mine.

No, I assure you there's nothing special about your coat. What makes you ask that?

I'll get to all the people going by. You're just being difficult, so I need to take extra time with you, that's all.

Drug smuggling? Us? Woudl we do something like that?

I resent that remark. And I'm considering suing you for slander. Or maybe it's libel, I keep getting confused.

This conversation could be construed as either of them, depending on how you're envisioning it.

Well, I won't go to the trouble. I'll just ask Guido to take your coat. Guido!

(Hrrrrrrrrmggpgh?)

This gentleman won't give us his coat.

(Hrrrgggggrrrrrrmmphghgr!)

That's what I said. I'm sure he'll listen to reason. Won't you?

Thank you very much. Guido! Stay!

Mmmm. Coats.