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Ra: Ra: Ra: Sis: Boom: Ba:

No, that whole burning my face into your cerebral cortex response you wrote that never got to me. (I know you know. I know you know I know. I even know you know I know you know. You know? No. Know-it-all. Or do I mean no-it-all?) Phlegm.

I'd like to introduce you to Phyllis. Phyllis is 5'2", has black hair, and suffers from an impressive gender crisis, as she/he/it insists he is male, and I insist that a) I created her, ergo I can decide what sex she is, and b) Phyllis is a female name. Then he goes on to claim that I am sexist, as I seem to irrevocably link certain names to certain sexes. So we leave that alone. Refer to Phyllis in either the male or female sense. One of us will be irritated at it, whichever one you choose.

You may wonder why Phyllis is 5'2" when I am taller then that. (Well, you probably don't wonder this. But I wondered this, so I will divulge the results to you.) Do I plan to squat or sit down when I am Phyllis? The answer is simple: platform shoes.

You may wonder (and this wondering is far more likely than the previous one) what the hell I am talking about and who is this Phyllis person and am I in my right mind. Well, when I refer to a random, unnamed person, or when i pick a name out of a hat, or something, I always use Fred. Now, Fred has served me well, but he's getting on in years, and even I have noticed how often I use Fred, so I decided I needed a new random name. So I tossed Fred out the window (while going down 85. Very messy.) and decided on Phyllis. Phyllis then told me a little about him/her self and a fast friendship was made. Phyllis and Pierre are getting along very nicely, thank you. (You probably don't want to ask about Pierre.)

Along the same lines, when thinking of a random country, I usually pick Ethiopia. So, to replace Ethiopia, I picked Sicily. Beautiful scenery in Sicily. Around this time I realized that the word "hammer" was popping up several times in my speech, so hammer has been incorporated into the Phyllis-Sicily pantheon.

This leads to a problem. While Fred and Ethiopia leads to philanthropic gestures - you know, Fred feeding the hungry, Fred giving money to the poor, etc. - Phyllis, hammers, and Sicily don't blend quite so well - Phyllis beating Sicilians with hammers, Phyllis being arrested, Phyllis being brought before a court, Phyllis bribing the judge, and so on. The problem is that Phyllis would be bribing the judge with my body (if you think I'll be giving away money to free a figment of my imagination from a hideous fate, well, you're right, but I'll try all the other options first) and, unless the judge is female and nubile, and very few are, this could be a problem. We have, however, decided that if male, Phyllis is heterosexual, and if female, she is homosexual. This should make it easier for her to rent my head. (Not all of my tenants are quite so accomodating. I'm just lucky Kathy hasn't learned about sex yet (as she is a 10-year-old in a 27-year-old's body), and I hope Blaze NEVER goes through puberty. At least I don't have to worry about Skinner - he's very discreet.)

So, the questions were: a) What the hell am I talking about? b) Who is this Phyllis person? c) Am I in my right mind?

All of these should have been answered by now.