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Cucumbers

There is only one difference between Salvador Dali and me. Cucumbers. Large hairy cucumbers following me around my basement. They're hungry you know. They want revenge for the years of torment and repression. Have you ever been pickled? Been soaked alive in acid for weeks if not months on end, as the acids work their way into your blood, into your flesh, turning you into a monstrosity, and for what? To be placed next to a hamburger at a restaurant, probably not eaten, and discarded. No wonder they want revenge. I would want revenge too if I were a cucumber. Cool as a cucumber. I suppose that's one, small thing we've done for the cucumbers - we've made them the epitome of coolness. But we don't take them anywhere. When was the last time you took a cucumber to the movies with you? Despite the fact that there would be crowds of women (or men, depending) hanging over it, because of how cool it is. Let's face it - cucumbers get more babes than men do. That must be the explanation. Sheer jealousy. We see them being fawned over by legion of attractive women, and we just feel like sticking them in a vat of acid. With lids are so they can't escape. We make sure the vats are made out of glass so as they're suffering they can see the outside world, just as an additional torment.

Well, now, all that will change. Up the revolution! Vive la difference!

I have now officially heard from everyone I have asked that they would rather poke out both eyes with something hot, like an iron or a blowtorch or something. Well, it wouldn't be poking out your eyes with the blowtorch, unless it was turned off. Hot poker! That was the term I was searching for. Poke out their eyes with a hot poker than see Jurassic Park II: The Hideous Prostitution of Money and Talent World. Again, I mean, as they had seen it. I don't know why. Maybe they're all masochists or something. I'm not going to. Not unless I do something REALLY bad, and I feel the need to do penance. Or maybe I could do a Awful Recent Movie night! I could see JP, and Batman and Robin, and what else? I know there are more, the proportion of disgustingly bad movies to halfway decent movies is always skewed heavily toward the former. I suppose I could see ID4 again, but it isn't in theatres any more, so I don't know. (Yes, I saw ID4, mostly so I could figure out how to hack into alien OS's with a Powerbook. This will be a valuable skill for me in the future. All I need now is a Powerbook.)

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Later.