. . .

If

Chateau D'If. The House of If.

(Yes, if any of you know French, you'll be able to tell me that Chateau D'If does not actually mean the house of if. That's all right. I really don't care.)

Corrections, deposits, returns, unacceptable. You'll take what you have and like it. No. You don't have to like it. You just have to take it. Go on. Take it.

Think of it as a gift. Think of it as payback. Think of it as an order. Think of it as a favor. Think of it as a bribe. Think of it however you like. Just take it.

TAKE IT.

I'm getting psuedo-mystical. It means nothing, of course. How can it? Or so I keep saying. If I discount it, can I ignore it? Can I ignore anything? Am I really ignoring?

The problem isn't lack of self-knowledge. I am myself. How can I not be? How can I knot know myself? K-not. The string that isn't. Gollum-riddles. No, the problem is that glowing little worm, doubt. Once you've started doubting, you'll doubt everything. You'll even doubt the doubt. It's all right. It's bigger than you are. It won't care.

Spontaneous self-awareness? Transience? Too many questions. I feel like the Riddler.

The problem is that it doesn't mean anything. If I come away from it with something, anything, then it means something, but even when a few, hardfought bits of knowledge embed themselves internally, they fade, eventually. I still remember who I am. I still remember what I'll learn. But I don't Know them, not anymore. Bonedeep knowledge works its merry way outwards, leaving you feeling oddly bereft. I once did. I used to be.

And this, too, is doubt.

Talking in circles and circlelocutions. Don't correct me. It sickens me.

I will draw now. Not because I want to, because I do. Not because I don't want to, because I don't. Not in spite of my laziness, or to practice getting it right, or because I like the results or so that someday I can get pictures onto paper as well as words. Because I will.

The Will and the Word, is it? I've got one, just now. All I need is the other.

This exercise in formlessness brought to you by AllonI.