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Telephone calls

In a futile attempt to do something we haven't done before, Oak Industrial Complex is proud to present to you this questionnaire about this questionnaire, so that we might better serve you in the future, and our children serve likewise, and our children's children, until the umpteenth generation, forever and ever, amen.

1. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? ___ Short ___ Tall

(Note on question 1: Didn't know that that question was really about height, didja? It's all about height. It's a not-terribly-well-hidden attempt to see if you are insecure about your height. Only insecure people would answer "short". People who feel inadequate. In many areas. Napoleon was short, and look what happened to him. So was Julia Child, for that matter. Very short. So many people miss the point of this question. They think it has something to do with personal taste, or self-description, or something. Nope. They "come up short", so to speak. Short. They're all short. Damnable short people. Surrounding me. I'm surrounded by legions of the loathsome short. Like insects. Swarms. They're all so short. Short. Short. Shortshortshortshortshort ALL RIGHT I ADMIT IT I'M NOT TALL! I'M SORRY, MOMMY! I'M NOT TALL! NOT THE RACK AGAIN, MOMMY! NO! I PROMISE I'LL GROW TALL, MOMMY! I PROMISE! Gasp. Gasp. Gasp.)

2. How can we better serve you in the future? ___ On your knees, slime. ___ On your knees, slave. ___ Well, I don't know, but I have to admit, I am partial to the whole "knees" thing. ___ Have you considered groveling? ___ Perhaps a few whimpers? ___ Squeal like a pig, boy! Squeeeee! ___ I think I would go very nicely in a nice white wine sauce, with perhaps a bit of shallot for color. ___ A wine sauce? You untutored savage! Now I, of course, would not consent to be served up in anything but a light cream, with scallops and diced artichoke hearts. ___ Raw. ___ I think we should move away from the "cannibalism" angle, and move back to the "wild passionate sex in which I dominate you unceasingly and make you beg for mercy" angle. ___ I think domination is just sick. Bring on the cannibalism! ___ I just want to dream about having sex for a while. I don't care how. I'm not picky. I know this really has nothing to do with sex. But you've made the thought come to mind, and now... excuse me for a bit. 10 minutes. Make that 15.

(Note on question 2: Mmmmmm. Sex.)

3. This email is ___ Chunky ___ Extra crispy ___ Original flavor ___ Not quite what you had in mind ___ Not quite what you had in mind, but, now that you come to think about it, really, it isn't bad at all ___ Vanilla ___ Marmalade ___ Thick and creamy ___ Ew!

(Note on question 3: I quite have to agree. Couldn't you do that someplace else?)

4. Alloni is ___ Getting WAY too obsessed with sex ___ Getting WAY too obsessed with cannibalism ___ Getting WAY too interested in the dismembered torsos in my refrigerator ___ Getting laid tonight ___ Yeah, right, sure he is ___ Wondering whether the dismembered torsos in my refrigerator are there for sex or cannibalism ___ Or possibly both ___ It's not healthy, whatever it is ___ There could be a million perfectly healthy reasons why someone would have dismembered torsos in their refrigerator ___ Oh yeah? Name one ___ They could be a travel agent ___ That makes sense. All right

(Note on question 4: I thought this questionnaire was going to be about this questionnaire.)

5. About this questionnaire ___ Oh, Lucille, you know you're the only one for me ___ Oh, Dave, you're just saying that ___ No, no, Lucille. All the other women were as nothing before you ___ All what other women? ___ All... the... other women... that I never even considered thinking about because I had you, Lucille ___ Nice save, man ___ Thanks ___ No problem. Say, you free tonight? ___ Well, I had something going with Lucille, but I could break it off. Got her wrapped around my "little finger". She'll believe anything I tell her ___ Hey! I'm still here! ___ Yeah, I know. But I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about... Ernest Borgnine ___ Oh ___ If it's the size of a finger, particularly a little one, I'm not interested after all. Thanks anyway, though ___ You bastard!

(Note on question 6: Two large, one with ham and pineapple, one with straight veggies. No, make that have straight veggies, half pepperoni. Yeah, I'll hold. Psst! Hey! You're on, man! What? We haven't even gotten around to question 6 yet! The boss is playing around, man. He's in one of his moods again, y'know? Wants to get some sort of reaction from these people. Wants them to tell him how funny he is. You know how it is when it happens, man. He plays with formatting, talks about himself in the third person, makes up embarrassing things about himself, wets his pants in public, that sort of thing. And the worst part is, he's never going to get the kind of reaction he wants from these people. They're all so jaded. I bet none of them are even going to bother filling out the questionnaire. What's to fill out? None of the questions thus far have been things that anyone might want to answer. Even the "how we can serve you" one got turned into a cheap sex/food joke. They could at least write back something. The boss has needs too, you know. The boss needs to get laid, man. You said it. The boss, when he hasn't been laid for a while... he starts getting angry. He starts thinking about... blood. Blood. How beautiful it looks. How sweet it tastes. Blood. Mmmmmmm.)

6. All right, this is ___ Getting too disturbing for my tastes ___ So let's move along

(Note on question 5: I said I want to talk with my agent! I was promised a part in this email, but he just passed right by me! I have a contract! I can't work under these conditions! He went right to those bastards up in six! Yes, I'll hold.)

7. Well? ___ Well what? ___ This is your questionnaire, you think of something.

(Note on question 7: I just want to be loved.)

Enough of that.