. . .

Groping the other

I seem to be awake today.

This morning, I wrote down my dream. (Involved 20s mobsters, a new pair of shoes, and a couterfeit $101 bill.) Then I exercised. (40 crunches, 40 pushups. I know, big deal. I'm a wuss. Sue me.) Cleaned the kitchen. Washed dishes. Picked up after myself. Deeply thought about the meaning of good and evil, and whether there is any such thing, and, if so, if acts that turn out good made in the name and with the intent of being evil are good or evil, and if so, to whom, and why. Played with my art supplies with the intention of trying to do something with charcoal, but, after some scribbles and tests, got seduced back to pencils (the dark side). Drew my bell. Got the handle well, but I'm going to need lots of practice and possibly better materials before I'll be able to do anything actually shiney right, much less anything bronzecolored and shiney. Was quietly proud of the handle for a few moments. Tried futiley to connect to the internet. Read. Tried once more to connect to the internet. Finished one of those video games I've had sitting around close to completion forever and a day. Read more. Realized that a few of the names and such in one of my favorite books are actually puns. Pondered why I never noticed this before. Read even more. Connected to the internet. Wrote email. Continued to write email. Still wrote email. Wrote the words "I seem to be awake today". Caught up to the present moment. Passed the present moment. Started predicting the future. I see signs and wonders. I see the three-eyed unicorn of peace meeting the black goat of joy in furious battle. I see a giant rose encircling the globe, turning black, and falling in the ocean. I the the horned grapefruit of Neveryet eating the pungent stench of the puma. I see myself not making any sense. I see myself abandoning this train of thought, due to a lack of interest in thinking up more portents. Seconds? I second the motion. Vote? Aye! Opposed? Neigh. Motion passes.

Motion passes? That sounds painful.

Move to adjourn the email! Seconds? Motion fails for lack of a second.

And no caffeine required. The spirits are appeased. The spirits are opposed. The spirits are spirited this month - check your local listings for showtimes.

Odd. No one complained about being called gullible fools. Not even the sheep comment. Maybe if I got more offensive I could incite dissension. Maggots? No, too drillsergeanty. Pterodactyls? No, not offensive enough. Worms? Worms works. I can get the whole demonic shouting going. "INsigNIficant WORMS!" Like that.

That's the problem. My mind is like a cesspool. No, I don't mean that. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for thinking such things. I am a pure soul. No, I mean deep, murky, full of random stuff that you probably don't want to look at too closely. Odd things tend to float to the surface for no apparent reason. Things that people never expected to see again. Anyone with the courage to go rummaging around in there can find some real gems. Also lots of shit. That's my job. I'm a muckraker.

I thikn I took that analogy too far. You are all now offended. You are all now disgusted. You will all now KNEEL BEFORE ME OR DIE! Sorry. Those demonic tendancies pop up again. I'll have them exorcised before next time, I promise. This time I'll just try to keep them off the furniture. They make nasty pawprints, don't they. It's the ichor, I think. Hard to remove ichor.

Ichorus? Was that his name _after_ the wax melted?

Or was that too classical? We'll go a tad more modern. Jazz it up with something polka-y. I know! A song!

*THE SUN WILL COME OUT <people clap hands to ears> TOOOOOOMORROW BETCHER BOTTOM <birds flee for the hills> DOLLAR THAT TOOOOOOOOOOMOOOORROW, THEY'LL BE SUNG <glass shatters> AND SOMETHING SOMETHING GRAY AND MAY AND MOOOOOLDY AND THEN I WILL THRILL AND CHILL AND PRAY <the ceiling mercifully plummets, cutting off the rest>*