. . .

1 and 1 and 1 is 3

ODDDDDDD on overdosing on my own sweat. It's like a large, ruthless chicken. It wants revenge so sweet so cold Why?

Why do my random trivia always involve one or more of: - hard drugs - sweet, sweet revenge - blood - death - sex - torture - monkies (it's my own personal spelling, goddammit) - voices in my head

To get it out of my system, I hereby produce something short containing them all:

The Day I Swapped My Father For Two Goldfish And A Kilo Of Crack Cocaine

must kill MUST KILL THEM they laugh at me why do they laugh I WILL HURT THEM revenge is sweet indeed KILL must kill the tweedy little guy he disturbs me they tell me to hurt him HURT HIM the little guy has too much hair HE MUST BE A MONKEY i will destroy the monkey drive nails into his flesh the voices tell me so I MUST TRUST THE VOICES paint the walls PAINT THEM WITH HIS BLOOD thank you.

Oh. Yeah. And sex.

Now that that's over with, we here at Nobody You've Heard Of, Inc. would like to present something new and exciting and different that features something fluffy. Cute 'n fluffy. Not a bunny. Bunnies are passe'. Hamsters bring connotations that we're just not ready to deal with. Same with gerbils. (Particularly gerbils.) Aardvaarks are hard to type, platypi have poisonous spurs, mice are taken in experiments, dogs and cats are everywhere. I think... we'll go with the lemur. I like lemurs.

The Adventures Of Louis The Lemur

One fine, summer's day, Louis the Lemur was hopping merrily through the field where he made his home, when a fairy popped out of a lemur hole in front of him.

"Hi! I'm your fairy godmother, Randy!"

Louis paused, and wrinkled his adorable pink nose at her. "Randy? Randy who?"

"Randy the Rabbit, of course! That's you!"

"I'm not Randy the Rabbit! I'm Louis the Lemur!"

The fairy looked at him appraisingly. "Funny, you don't look like a lemur."

"DON'T LOOK LIKE A LEMUR? I've got the cute little pink nose of a lemur, and the cute little white fluffy tail of a lemur, and the cute big floppy ears of a lemur, and, like all lemurs everywhere, I am constantly fucking. Sex, sex, sex, continually throughout the day. Does the phrase "we fucked like lemurs" mean anything to you, you pixilated freak? In fact, I don't even know why I'm bothering to talk to you right now, when there are babes awaitin'. Ciou!" And with that, Louis leaped into the lemur burrow and was gone.

The fairy sighed, and looked out the monitor at you. "We both knew he couldn't keep it up for very long. And when I say "couldn't keep it up", I'm using it in multiple meanings, you know what I mean? Alloni is so bad in bed, he THAT'S A DAMNED LIE! I REFUSE TO WRITE ANY MORE OF THIS GARBAGE shut up, you, we're not talking to you. He's just the worst I've ever known, and the statement "I have had sex with Alloni Kramer" is enough to get you tax breaks in 22 states as some minor form of recompense, and there's the discount card. As good as a senior discount in most places, better in some."

I will run away and cower now.