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Unitarianismisms

I never wanted to do this. I never wanted to rabbit on all day about Suni indians and pieces of brain swoopin' in from the west. I wanted to be - a jack in the box! Leaping from boy to boy as I float down the mighty roads of British Texarkania! The redhead! The furriner! The mighty scotsman! With my best ballerina girl doll by my side, I sing - sing...

"All around the mulberry bush, (ey ey!) the monkey chases the weasel (nudge nudge), The monkey said 'twas all in fun, POP goes the weasel!"

I can't believe I didn't notice how sexually tilted that song was before. Or maybe it's only me. We'll survey The Man On The Street.

Pardon me. Coming through. Pardon me, sir. Is that Connie Chung? 'Scuse. "Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation?" I need a reservation to talk to the man on the street? "He's very busy these days, sir, what with the growing dissent in Eastern Arabia. Why don't you go talk to the woman on the street? She's only got a couple feminists booked today, so she might even be ready to talk immediately." I'll do that.

Pardon me. Coming out. 'Scuse me. Look! Dan Rather! Pardon. Excuse me, miss, are you the woman on the street? "No." Oh.

That was anticlimactic.

Um.

I basically have nowhere to go from here. We'll just wait for the next idea to pop into my head.

So, um, heard the one about the wise guru and the honest lizard? Oh. Well pardon me for existing. How was I supposed to know that. Look, it ain't easy sitting at this keyboard cranking out amusing emails day after day. It's hard, brutal work, that has killed thousands before me and which will inevitably kill me as well. If it wasn't for the cheese doodles, I don't think I would have survived even this long. Hard, brutal <the music switches to the Village People> backbreaking labor that builds strong muscles. Feel these muscles. I'll take off my shirt so you can watch them better. <the music switches to a love song> For you see, I love you. <the music switches to something gothic and depressing> But we can never be together. I have another mistress. Mistress Death. <the music switches to something light and frothy> And today, Mistress Death and I will demonstrate how to bake a delicious brown sugar cake!

Good night, sunshine.