|
By popular demand**WARNING** On due reflection, having reread this email, I realize that I, um, didn't quite fit within the boundaries of good taste on this one. Um, if you feel in an... easily offended mood, I suggest you wait. Until, until you're ready to accept that I didn't mean anything by it. A few stiff drinks might help. I can wait. On the other hand, no one on this mailing list really falls within the boundaries of good taste themselves, so I needn't worry about it.Ladies and lentlegem, for this performance, we're going to try something new and exciting. Something not to be missed. Something bold and direction...ful. Yes, today, not only is Alloni going to be writing something that _he's never written before_ (gasp!), but he's also going to be doing it in the style of a children's TV show! YAY! So, everyone, let's give a big hand for Uncle Rod's Big Throbbing Children's Special! (For some reason today, he seems to be very, you'll excuse the expression, big on sexual innuendo. Put up with it. It won't last very long. Soon, his inspiration will fail him entirely, going metaphorically, um, limp, and you, the audience, will be left... unsatisfied.) So! Are you all as excited as I WHAT IS THIS? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE WRITING THESE THINGS, THEY JUST COME ON THEIR OWN! DAMMIT! All right. I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm settled. I'm relaxed. My eyelids are growing heavy. I am unable to keep them open. Soon I shall fall into a deep, deep trance. When I snap my fingers, I will be asleep. 3. 2. 1. *snap*. I am asleep. When I snap my fingers again, I shall awaken, refreshed and relaxed. I shall do my children's show. Should innuendo express itself through me, I shall be at peace with that fact. Also, should I hear the word "squelch", I shall immediately start chanting "Ptoing! Ptoing! Ptoing!" while hopping about on my left foot. (After all, when you have someone hypnotised, it would be a pity not to abuse your power over them.) 1. 2. 3. *snap*. Gosh, I feel awfully refreshed and relaxed. Anyway, where was I? Yes! Are you all as excited as I to be here, boys and girls? Are you all positively moist with delight? I know I am! (Old memories: in my drama class, the phrase "my thighs are moist with anticipation" and various variations was very big for some reason. Got odd looks from it by outsiders, which I suppose was the point.) Now, first of all, let's get a little boy or girl from the audience up on stage here to play a little game with us. We're going to play a game of "Let's! Get! LUCKY!" Now you, you look like a fine young lad, what's your name? "Dick!" Well Dick, (gosh, he's really going overboard this time, isn't he? I mean, no subtlety, no sense of style, or form. He and "Dick" are probably going to "play a game", "just the two of them", etc, etc, etc. I could pretty much write the rest of this bit myself, couldn't you? So we'll just move on past it.) "Gosh, thanks Rod!" No problem, little buddy. Now remember, don't tell anyone what you won! It'll be (My god! Is he actually going to say it?) our little secret. (He said it. *sigh*. When is he going to learn that pedophilia is not a topic for goodnatured laughs? I swear. Sometimes I just think he should be institutionalized now, before he actually snaps... and gets worse. *shudder*. Please. Please give generously to the "Can't Anybody Stop This Inhuman Monster?" fund. Your small donation will be used, firstly, to make sure he is put away immediately, and secondly, to compensate his many victims, such as those deluded by fraudulent funds such as this one. You, too, can make a difference.) Now, someone very, very special is having a birthday today. So, let's all give a warm, gushing welcome, to LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN! YAY! Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Ludwig Van Beethoven, creator of such immortal works as Beethoven's 1st Symphony, Beethoven's 2nd Symphony, Beethoven's 3rd Symphony, Beethoven's 4th Symphony, Beethoven's 5th Symphony, Beethoven's 6th Symphony, Beethoven's 7th Symphony, Beethoven's 8th Symphony, and Beethoven's 9th Symphony, Happy birthday to you! Of course, he's dead, so he can't really respond properly, but rest assured, he's just as happy as we are! Doesn't he look great, boys and girls? Doesn't he look simply beautiful? (Oh, please no. Please. No necrophilia. There is a limit here. Please. Please. I beg you.) Doesn't he look... just delicious? Positively scrumptious? (Well, at least it isn't necrophilia.) Look at the way that tangy looking flesh sits on his bones. Doesn't that just make you want to eat him right up? <The crowd looks at him in stunned incomprehension. Several of the younger children begin to cry.> Well, we'll just move right along, shall we? Beethoven, a pleasure, as always, and I look forward to dining on WITH! With you this evening. I think that just about raps it up for tonight, boys and girls. Now remember, like Rod always says, "Do you want some candy, boys and girls?" This show has been copyrighted by What Evil Lurks In The Hearts Of Men, Inc. All rights reversed. There. See? See what you've driven me to?
|