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Process diagram

In order to serve you better, we here at Allonindustries (pat pend) are restructuring our process flow. In particular, we are dealing with two major areas: reporting and recidivism. These are the areas we have the most complaints about. The next step after complaints is losing your business, and we couldn't allow you to go elsewhere. We need your business. We need it badly. It's like a drug to us. And we're not talking something harmless, like pot. No. Your business is crack cocaine to us. And that's how much you, the Customer, means to us, the Company.

Our first area of reorganization is to be reporting. We realize you are concerned about how Allonimails (TM) don't tell you enough in the subject line about what they contain. We know that you are worried about your children getting ahold of an Allonimail, reading through it, and suddenly, without warning, encountering such a phrase as "Raul pleasures me anally." See? Some youngsters out there just went into convulsions from reading such graphic language. "Explicit lesbian pornography." There! Even some of you more sensitive adults are bleeding from the eyesockets now! Well, worry no longer. Had this Allonimail gone through our new process flow, the subject line might have looked more like this:

Subject: 4 7 10 DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME HOT HORNY TEEN ACTION?

And you would have been forewarned, and not had to be rushed to the hospital as you are currently being doing. (Being done to? Having been done to? English! What a language!)

Those three numbers out there at the beginning of our example subject line are simple to understand. The first one indicates how important the contents are, with a 1 being "totally trivial" and a 10 being "instructions for disarming that nuke next to you with the timer at 37 seconds before it even gets to 10 seconds, much less stopping at one like the movies would indicate. of course, reading this email, and particularly this line, will probably take enough time that you will just hit the one second deadline. hollywood wins again!" Over five will deal with real issues and real occurances and mindblindingly important imaginary occurances. (Every event has a real part and an imaginary part. Haven't you ever studied complex maths?) The thing about the car would probably have gotten a 7, 'cause, well, it's important to Alloni. Probably not to you. This scale only approximates the value of the email to you. We're not mind readers here at Allonindustries (supplies limited, order now). We're only body readers, and we're blind enough to need to use braille. (You, m'dear, are definitely the letter c. (Ha HA! A Braille joke! You'll need to do research to understand it! HA HA! I expand your mind simply by existing! You have no defense against my awesome power!))

The second number is a statement about how amusing I think the Allonimail (SM) to be. A 1 would be a comparative discussion of rates of taxation, without even using Bob the Wonder Slug as our example. (He makes a good example. Works cheap. I highly recommend him. Much better than A and B. Certainly than A. A is obnoxious.) A 10 would be dangerous to read, particularly in crowded areas, and even when you're alone, I recommend not wearing constrictive pants. Or any pants at all, for that matter. Ow. Stop hitting me.

The third number is how offensive the email is likely to be. A 1 would indicate that it's safe even for the elderly and incontinent, whereas a 10 would cause the aforementioned bleeding and muscular spasms. "Cocksucking maggot!" Must keep up that rating.

Our second area of recapitulation is, as I mentioned, recidivism. We were doing better, for a while. We managed to stay away from recidivism almost entirely. But recently, we've been backsliding. Recidivism is on the increase here at Alloninc (a wholly owned subsidiary of Allonindustries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Dow chemicals. Dow. We poison your children - for you.) and we'd like to apologize for that. No more backsliding into recidivism. We promise.