. . .

A nation of trees

Wood you please rise for our speaker, the renowned Tree Surgeon and philantropist, Dr. Leif Beech. Dr. Beech, you represent the Society for the Ethical Treatment of Plants, do you not? Yes, the SETP is doing quite well at the moment, quite well. We're growing faster than ever, with roots spread throughout the community. Doctor, that's a load of fertilizer. Isn't it true that the SETP consists solely of youself? You're barking up the wrong tree there, Stan. Barking oh hell with this. Puns are harder than they sound. I mean, even when you give yourself a topic like this, which can spread out in all directions, you still have to think up the damn things. I never wanted to do this anyway. I never wanted to rabbit on all day about mythical societies of plant worshippers. I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from sorry. Got carried away there. Time for a complete change of mood. Also, time for a complete change of paragraph.

"Oh, John," she sighed lustily. "It's so big! How ever will you make it fit?"

"Don't you worry, Sally. A little Vaseline and it'll slip right in."

Quick Quiz: What are they talking about? A) A leaf blower B) A lawn mower C) A stained glass window D) A large, stuffed koala E) Three felt-tipped pens and a dancing platypus

Let's make a list, shall we? All the possible tree words. Then you can assemble your own damn puns and leave me, poor, humble, and starving, to regret the pitiful remains of my wretched life.

Tree Bush Seed Leaf Branch Bark Root Acorn Fruit Oak Ash Larch Beech Scrabble Zimbabwe

See what you can assemble from those, yes?

Meanwhile, back at stately Wayne Manor:

"Holy smokes, Batman! We've got to catch the Riddler before he strikes again!"

"Relax, chum. Help me off with this tight fitting costume while I mix us up a couple of Bat Mai Tais. We can take a little time off. We deserve it."

"But, Batman! The fate of the city is at stake!"

"It always is, chum. Luckily, this time we're facing the Riddler. He'll make a couple of petty crimes at which he'll leave clues telling us exactly where and how he'll strike next, giving us plenty of time to plot out how we shoud foil him. So we have time. I'll put on a Sinatra album."

"Batman! The fate of the city-"

"Is at stake, yes. You've said that before. You're so tense. Relax. Here, lay back, and I'll give you a backrub. Have I ever told you how... pert you look in that costume?"

Unbeknownest to Our Heroes, the Riddler, having decided that he was sick of being sent back to the asylum every half hour, completed his major crime, left no clues at all, and was back at his place counting the loot when Our Heroes awakened, refreshed, the next morning. No big loss, though.

For those of you not paying attention, I just implied that Batman liked small boys. Really, have you looked at the Robin costume? The kids weren't Jewish, I can tell you that much. A vest and tights. Why not go all out and go for the leather backless chaps? "Oh, yes, Batman, let's go and... fight crime together." Really, could so many young boys get-orphaned-and- want-revenge so consistently? I think he was the one who set them up. "Yes, officer, I'm touched by the kid's loss. When can I take custody?"

I'm hungry. I'll go and snack now.