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Initiation

First of all, since I already have a Brian who I send email to at irregular intervals, and since I long ago called him GoodBrian, the New, Improved, With Extra Whitening Action Brian is hereby christened EvilBrian. Congratulations. Blow out candles. Eat cake. Be merry. Make loud noises with bodily orifices to show your joy.

Where did that come from?

You can safely assume I was referring to armpit noises. Or something.

Shouting! Yes! The mouth counts as a bodily orifice!

I was NOT referring to anything else.

Not a chance.

Secondly, the question of EvilBrian's initiation to the Wonders of the Random Alloni Wierdos Email At Occasional (Though Frequent) Intervals (Because He Uses The Writing Of These Emails To Avoid Doing Actual Work) has come up. I'm looking for suggestions. The Initiation must come in several parts.

(Note for those who would be offended by such things: When I say Heroic or something like it in this message, I am referring to those who want to make a name for themselves, either for good, or for evil. Thus, the term Hero includes both Villain and Hero, and Villain includes both Hero and Villain. The actual alignment of the Questor is irrelevant.)

First, there is the Heroic Quest. This comes in two forms. There is the quest for an actual object. The Holly Grail is popular, as well as the Hilly Grail, the Huffy Grail, and the Holy Snail. The sword Thorn. The Vicious Chicken Of Bristol. The Jewel Malice. Or, there is the accomplishment of some deed. Winning the hand of fair Guenevere. (I understand this was particularly popular, although they usually didn't stop with the hand.) (Remind me to tell you about Facet Elseworlds, set in the court of King Arthur David Hathaway Pendragon.) (No, winning the hand of fair Cherivere does not count. Nice try, though.) Slaying the mighty Dragon Smaug. Singing a barbershop quartet in the court of King Brian The Wild. Gaining Axeman as your loyal servant. Winning the love of Firehair the maiden. (No, winning the love of Cherihair the maiden doesn't count. Nict try, though.) (Most of these I'm getting from literature. Of some kind. Or movies. Or something. So there is precedent.) (10 points if you can tell me where I got each of these from.) So for this part, we either an object or some other goal. A can of spam? A CD with the song "Punk Rock Girl" on it? Telling an audience of people in great detail about your sister's gallbladder removal? (Imaginary sisters are acceptable, as are imaginary gallbladder removals, as long as no one in the audience realizes that this is the case.) Going into Fry's electronics with a video camera? (Apparently Frys has some sort of policy against people filming their store. Also against people writing down their prices for various objects for comparison elsewhere. Frys is a strange, twisted place.) Going into Frys with a priests collar, and standing in front of the pornography section raving about the evils of the store, and how our children should be protected from this garbage?

All proceeds from this section of the proceedings go to charity (ie, if it is something actually usable, such as a CD, or food, we will all use it ritually at the Ritual Initiation, part three, which I will be getting to at some point, and if it is still usable afterwards, I will take posession of it for future aqua-satanic rituals.) (No, this is not blatant abuse of power. Because I say it isn't, that's why. HA!) (If the deed is selected, some sort of physical proof will be required, to be used in the Ritual Initiation.)

Second comes the Declaration of Heroness (otherwise known as the Look What A Cool Person I Am phase). In the past, this was done by boasting to friends, who then boasted to their friends, and so on, or by hiring minstrels to spread the word of your deeds, or by simply coming back to court, dropping the head of the dragon on the floor, saying "I'm done. What do I win?" and having Bob Barker come down to tell what he's won. In this case, a simple email to me saying "I'm done. What do I win?" will probably be fine. If everyone insists, you may have to make more of a production out of it. Creating a web page that extols your own virtues, and pointing everyone to it. Hiring minstels to spread the word of your victory. Something.

Last comes the Ritual Initiation. This must be conducted at midnight, as this is a ritual ceremony, and all ritual ceremonies are conducted at midnight (I envision a darkened moor, at 11 or so, with a maitre d' conducting each ceremony to their own section so they don't interfere with eachother when midnight rolls around. "Do you have a reservation?" "Yes, Macbeth, party of three, with another one showing up later." "Right this way." "Do you have a reservation?" "Um, no, but can you fit us in?" "The name?" "Yog-sothoth, party of, well, there are 50 of us, and we expect great Cthulhu to be showing up at some point, so we'll need a lot of room." "We'll have a space ready in 15 minutes for you.") The Ritual Initiation will consist of many candles, drawing some sort of design on either the floor, or the Questor, or both, us ritually to utilize whatever the Questor has brought back from his quest in whatever way seems most appropriate, and for the Questor to tell the tale of his journeys in as entertaining a way as possible. Exaggeration is recommended. Blatant lying is encouraged. All we ask is for the actual events to be worked in to the tale somehow.

Once the tale has been told, the judges will rise and give their verdict (entertaining or not entertaining). If the majority declare the tale entertaining, the Questor will be inducted into the Wierdos group, with all appurtenances and rights thereof, including the right to wear silly hats, the right to recieve Alloni's random emails, and any other rights the judges desire.

The judges will, of course, consist of AJ, Cheri, and myself. We will keep the format just in case we ever decide to bring any others in to the Inner Circle Of Madness. I may even think up other rituals in case we feel like doing them for something.

Once we are all agreed on the goal of the quest, how much decleration is required upon success, ceremonial trinkets, and the like, the quest shall begin. Any of you are welcome to send suggestions in. I will have the final say. (No, this also isn't abuse of power. Nyah.)

I am basically serious about all this. Well, as serious as I ever get. It seems like a good way to while away the weary hours for a while. If no one sends in any suggestions, a) I will be very angry, b) I will think up the rest of the details myself, without anyone else having any say at all, and you don't want that, and c) I will come up with ways to make all of you miserable.

Hey, it's better than the stereotypical "What do we want to do tonight, Alloni?" "The same thing we do every night, Cheri. Try to take over the world! Um, I mean, rent a video."

A Secret Indian Name may be assigned at the height of the ceremony. Suggestions for this are also welcomed.

Newcomers (ie EvilBrian) may wonder how come they have to go through all this when the rest of us didn't have to. That's a fair question. If this one goes well, I may force the ones who have not yet done one to do so, thus giving us many busy nights ahead.

After all, it's only through the ceremony that you get your Secret Indian Name.