. . .

Let me guess

Both of you have been kidnapped and taken to a secret underground hideout. Bad AIs were left in your place that send occasional jokes to fotw, but otherwise keep silent. This can be the only explanation.

Enough of this frippery and foolishness. Consarn it, I want personal contact!

In the platonic sense, of course.

I mean, I haven't seen Cheri for almost a week now. I'm beginning to go through withdrawal.

And I haven't seen AJ for over a month. I am writhing on the floor in agony. Purple spiders are eating my epidermis.

And other symptoms of withdrawal.

Sign on the dotted line:

The party of the first part (otherwise known as Cheri / AJ (circle only one) ) agrees that the party of the second part (otherwise known as Pierre DuBois / Jocelyn Elders / Kathy / Phyllis / Oh my darling, Oh my darling, Oh my darling Clementine / David Hathaway / The Mazing Looni / Alloni Kramer / The French Riviera / Ronald Silban / Strom Thurmond / Zombies Are Eating My Brain / Zombies Are Eating My Brain Part II: The Return / ZAEMB III: Revenge Is Sweeter Than Sweetbread / ZAEMB IV: A Day In The Life (circle no less than 30) ) will get together with them at some point in the next (minute / hour / day / week / month (circle only one, and it better not be month if you know what's good for you) ) for entertainment for all parties involved, and is free, moreover, on this specific date and time: ________________________ (fill in blank). In return for this, the party of the second part agrees not to (kill the cat / start crying / shoot himself in the head and then bury himself in a shallow grave / paint the party of the first part's abode plaid with pink polka dots / dance around singing "Waltzing Mathilda" (Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Mathilda, You're gonna waltz dear Mathilda with me, and he sang as he sat to the jumbuck in his tuckerbag, you're gonna waltz dear Mathilda with me - don't even make me start on the billabong) / make sex jokes / tie the party of the first part to a hideous contraption which involves a treadmill, several sheets of glass, and a cattle prod (yes, I have actually evisioned this device. Don't make me try it out.) / force the party of the first part (heretoward known as P1, 'cause I'm tired of typing it over and over) to watch Spice World over and over until they start bleeding from the ears and mouth / tickle P1's feet mercilessly / never ever ever speak to you again as long as P2 lives (circle as many as you don't want P2 to perform. He does know Walktzing Mathilda all the way through.) ).

Signed: .................................................... P1 The Mazing Looni__________________ P2 _______________________________ Witness ________________________________ Witness

Minutes from the third international conference for the clinicly insane, or maybe simply confused.

8:62 Day opens with the sun taking a brisk shower, and nursing a bad hangover. Hair of the dog is ordered.

8:610 Inmates, uh, attendees awaken, take brisk showers, and nurse bad hangovers. More hotd is ordered.

8:615 Hotd is drunk by attendees and sun. All wince. Hangovers miraculously disappear, leaving behind sunny dispositions all around. a great cheer goes up from the masses, and the sun continues its broadcasting day.

8:620 Waffles are ordered, with a variety of syrups. The pickle syrup is returned for being "too doranging green". The cucumber and quail eggs syrup is passed around and drunk. The waffles arrive, and are folded up into paper planes.

8:625 Impromptu waffles airplane distance contest is started. Professor N. Polean begins with a distance of 3 hectares. Dr. Angus McTavish Ye Non-Scootish Bastards If It's Not Scootish It's Crap is only able to acheive 1 mile per hour. BlackFingernails The Pirate manages several hundred thousand feet, but is revealed to be using black magic. Breaking the laws of physics (and getting caught) is decided by the judges to be cheating, and he is disqualified. Coffee is served.

8:629 Wendy gets one kilometer, but points out that this is equal to 1000 meters, and 1000000 mm. She is immediately declared the winner and Queen for the day.

8:630 Queen Wendy initiates a trip to NeverNever Land. Most of the attendees are able to think happy thoughts, and those that aren't are ruled to be "boring old farts", so the conference is relocated.

8:640 - 8:7 Relocation and tea and crumpets.

8:71 Arrival, greeted by mermaids. Doctor Knickerbockerheckerhocker reveals his newest creation, a machine powerful enough to take over the world. Maniacal laughter. Unfortunately, his plots are thwarted by 007 and 3/4. Boos from the audience.

8:75 Queen Wendy decides that she is a tulip, and passes the crown on to Queen Gerald Ford. QGF breaks into fits of uncontrollable laughter. The rest of the court politely chuckles along with him.

8:715 Polite chuckles die down. Uncontrollable laughter continues.

8:720 More laughter.

8:725 Laughter continues. QGF is convicted by Parliament of "behavior unbecoming to a monarch", and the crown is thrown to the next set of candidates. A brief tussle ensues, with only a short break for crackers with jam, which are ruled to be "just scrummy". Tussle continues.

8:739 Queen Queen wins the crown, immediately declares itself to be named Freddie Mercury and to have won the crown under false pretenses, and tosses it back into the scuffle.

8:90 Queen Math ap Mathonwy rises up through the ranks. His use of white magic to gain the throne is ruled to be "kinky" by the judges, but is accepted by the masses. QMaM shows his love for his subjects by ordering them all slaughtered.

8:99 Slaughter ceases. However, no one is actually slain. This scandal, eventually christened "SlaughterGate", causes QMaM to look away from the crown for just a moment, and when he looked back, it was gone! QMaM is demoted to MaM, and there is talk of reducing him further, to Mam, or even mam, but nothing comes of it.

19:76 Crown is discovered in a lake. A lowly page, Arthur, claims it. He is challenged to pull it from the lake, and does so. The crowd goes wild, and Arthur is declared Queen Arthur.

19:79 QA, attempting to distract the teeming masses from taking the crown away from him, invents television. His scheme backfires, as he is immediately utterly hypnotised by the device, and announces his intention to elope with it. The crown passes to Queen Know What I Mean, Jelly Bean.

19:87 QKWIM,JB breaks the crown accidentally while reaching for some sugar. In a fit of rage, she declares the whole thing to be totally silly, and demands a relocation to a more science fictional setting. The judges confer. A dark, grim, gritty, Cyberpunk future is chosen. Packing and relocation.

20:20 QKWIM,JB is found to have been lost in the luggage. She was probably transferred on to a different flight, and may turn up at some point. The crowds complain to the airline, with no success.

20:28 Due to a miscommunication, the dark, grim, gritty, Cyberpunk future is found to be a little more happy-go-lucky, and that magic exists, and the whole thing is, in fact, Shadowrun. As QKWIM,JB is not around to complain, everyone is happy.

20:47 In rapid pace, Queens Goldfarb, Rubeberg, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern appear and vanish once more. A game of Hot Potato with the crown is initiated to declare the new Queen.

20:48 A more-than-usually-alert bystander points out that Hot Potato had more or less been played from the beginning with the crown. Conference breaks up into discussion groups.

20:48 Discussion groups break up into conference once more. Multi-player chess is initiated for the crown.

20:48 A less-than-usually-alert bystander points out that multi-player chess had more or less been played from the beginning with the crown. Conference breaks up into discussion groups.

20:48 Discussion groups break up into conference once more. The crown is given to Leo Tolstoy, who declines. The crown is handed to Czarina Catherine The Great, who accepts. Her deviant lifestyle is exposed and the crown is snatched away from her before she can get it dirty, despite her protestations that the whole horse thing was just a rumor.

20:48 Someone hits the clock and it starts working again.

20:47 In a surprise move, QKWIM,JB turns up in the washing machine. She, however, declines the crown as well, and elects to continue the spin cycle.

20:28 Someone also asks for another change of venue, on the grounds that it has been far too long in this future, and its clothes are starting to get grungy. Judges confer. Relocation. Judges yell at the attendees to come back, they hadn't finished conferring yet.

20:20 Judges reach their verdict. Not guilty. The crowds go wild.

19:87 Relocation to Not guilty ends.

19:79 Someone asks for a game of parcheesi, and the crown, as it had been making a whole bunch of suggestions recently. The game is granted.

19:76 Someone wins the game of parcheesi, and he takes the crown, and declares himself Queen Someone.

8:99 The judges, tipped off by QS's use of he instead of it last sentence, rips off his mask to reveal ExQueen Arthur. EQA slinks off, ashamed. SOunds of TV are heard in background.

8:90 Morden appears, and offers many others the crown. Only Lando Molari accepts, and is declared Queen Lando.

8:739 QL learns the price for Morden's support - a handful of jelly donuts. As QL really really loves jelly donuts, he trades the crown back to Morden. Morden becomes Queen Morden.

8:725 QM raises the prices of sugar and cornbread. Angry mutters are heard from crowd.

8:720 QM lowers the price of Hong Kong. More angry mutters are heard.

8:715 QM keeps the price of pork bellies the same. This is the last straw, and the crowd revolts, chops off QM's head, and sticks it on a pike.

8:75 The crowd realizes that the crown has vanished. Frantic searching.

8:71 The crowd remembers that the crown is still on EQM's head. The crown is retrieved, and the crowd declares itself Queen The Crowd.

8:640 - 8:7 QTC bickers with itself, and eventually tosses the crown into the future. QTC goes back to being the crowd. Cheers.

8:630 General laziness.

8:629 Sausages are served. Bad jokes are made.

8:625 Makers of bad jokes are hung up from their toenails. Peace and quiet is regained, with the exception of occasional screaming.

8:620 People start humming, tapping their feet, starting at wristwatches, or starting off into space whistling tunelessly. These are declared by Dr. Hubbard to be symptoms of boredom, and the good Dr. orders everyone to get vaccinated.

8:615 Vaccinations.

8:610 Dr. Hubbard's Miracle Boredom Cure sold, one bottle for a dollar. The good Dr. retires once he becomes immensely, impossibly rich.

8:62 Bell rings. Queen Norton is found to have the crown, and is declared Emperor Norton I. The crowd goes wild. Conference ends.