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Soul-CleenIs your soul black and your heart blacker? Are you obsessed with joining the Legions of Darkness? Do black cats suffer from bad luck when they cross your path?Well now, new Soul-Cleen is the answer! Just squirt and rinse, and watch the dark evilness wash away, revealing the clean, fresh soul hidden within! You too can pass the Pearly Gates with Soul-Cleen! I can just see the commercials. [Montage of pictures from WWII, the Holocaust, marching German troops, culminating in many different pictures of Hitler.] {Scene: the pearly gates. Clouds. Line of the dead. Hitler gets to second in line. In front of him is Mother Teresa.] Peter: Hello, Mother Teresa! Let's just check your records... oh, wait a minute, you hit another child when you were two. You go to Hell. [He hits a button. M.T. falls through a trap door through which we can see fire flickering. Hitler looks very worried. He pauses. A lightbulb lights above his head. He pulls out a bottle of Soul-Cleen so we can clearly see the label, and reaches into his chest and grabs a blackened, shriveled object. He squirts it with the Soul-Cleen, and rubs it with the sleeve of his uniform. A blinding light shines out. When the screen clears, he's holding something heart-shaped, but glowing brightly. He sticks it back in his chest and walks forward confidently.] Peter: Adolph Hitler. Well, normally I would check your records, but I can see how brightly your soul is shining from here. Welcome to Heaven! [The gates open. Hitler walks through, turns back to face the camera, smiles, winks, and gives a thumbs up.] [A picture of the Pearly Gates. A deep narrators voice - James Earl Jones, if possible. We can faintly hear cheering crowds shouting "Zeig Heil!" from behind the gates.] Narrator: Soul-Cleen. Heaven awaits you. [End of commercial.]
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