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Old game shows

Tonight, here on Make Money Fast! we'll be getting a gander at today's components. Contestants. We don't want to make them feel like they're interchangeable cogs in the monetary machine, a machine designed only to delude the audience into purchasing the products we display every chance we have, do we? *LAUGHTER*

Tonight, our lucky contestants will be competing for this Absolutely Stunning genuine diamond-shaped mink-colored purse, a grand prize totalling hundreds of dollars, by doing their best to scar their opponents physically and psychologically for life. Since none of them are you, of course, which one wins is absolutely trivial in any sort of meaningful sense, but you can get minutes of enjoyment from watching them jump up and down cheerily for astonishingly little reward. They get to humiliate themselves on national television! And you feel jealous of them! At least it isn't like the Price is Right. Have you seen them? They dress up in absurd costumes, and carry around bags of random paraphenalia on the chance that Monty Hall would walk up to them and say, "You! In the pink tulle mockup of the Arc Du Triomph! Do you have, somewhere on you, two Duracell batteries and a lead teacup? If so I'll give you - all the small change I have on my person!"

Our first contestant, a man who people once respected but who everyone will now recall as That Guy From The Game Show, who will probably screw up every future chance of promotion by doing something absolutely boneheaded in plain sight of all our viewer, is Rick Hartensford, of Piedmont, Nebraska. Hi, Rick! Nice to have you on the show! "Nice to be here!" You lie.

Secondly, a housewife from Piedmont, Mississippi, since many of you are housewives and we're trying to throw you a sop, Mindy Driver! Mindy, have you been told how much your name sounds like Minnie Driver's? "Every ten minutes for my entire life, Bob." Don't worry. Now all your friends know how much you hate it, and they will be able to make sure to use it against you for the rest of your days.

And thirdly, as all blessings come in threes, is Mark Wilson, a machinist from Piedmont, Oregon. Mark, are you aware that your wife is threatening divorce if you don't come back with at least a new car. "Yes." Do you love your wife, Mark? "Very much." You want to make her happy, don't you? "Definitely." Bzzt! I'm afraid that's the wrong answer. Mark loses 100 points there and goes into the negatives. Bad luck to you there, Mark. "You bastard." -200 points and counting.

Now the rules of the game are very simple so the mindless plebes at home can understand them. Every time you answer a question correctly, you get points. Every time you answer a question incorrectly, you lose points, and you get a small electric shock to the testicles. Minnie, since you don't have testicles, we're attaching the electrodes to your forehead instead. "Don't call me Min*BZZT* AAAII!" Don't presume to correct me. A few more of those and you'll lose permanent brain functioning. As it is, you will probably only suffer a few of the symptoms of a stroke. Don't worry, you guys. You only get the agonizing pain, plus possible permanent impotence. Let's get started!

Since I'm in a Jeopardy mood today, we're going to go with that format, so we have to think for ourselves as little as possible. However, to be New and Exciting, you must answer every question in the form of - AN ANSWER! Wow! See how much time we spend thinking this stuff up? Rick, since thus far you have yet to annoy me, you will get to go first. The categories are:

Rocket science Five-dimensional mathematical proofs Embarrassing intestinal noises Owattanassayam Things you thought no one knew about your past, which you had prayed would never come out into the open and last, but not least, the ever-popular Things you will never get right

Rick? "I'll take, um, Owattanassayam." You most certainly are, Rick. *LAUGHTER*. Because I'm feeling generous, I won't zap you this time. Be more careful. "Why? I only picked a *BZZZZZT* AAAAAAAAIIIIII!" You weren't careful enough, Rick!

Minnie? "We're all doomed, aren't we?" That's absolutely correct! 100 points to Minnie. Care to make another selection? "I guess I'll go for Embarrassing intestinal noises." FFFfFFFFFBBBRRRAAAAPPPPRRTTT? "What is the sound that I probably make late at night when I'm fast asleep that you crept into my house specifically to record just to embarrass me in front of the entire population of the country?" Oh, I'm sorry, Minnie. That was correct, but you phrased it in the form of a question. *BZZZZZZZZZZZZT* "Y-you b-b-b-bastard." And proud of it. Back down to nothing for Minnie, which keeps her in the lead.

Mark? "I guess I'll take Rocket science." What is the chemical formula for the plating that covers the outside of the space shuttle to protect it from reentry heat? "I have absolutely no idea." Come ON Mark! It's not Rocket science! Well, I guess it is Rocket science. *LAUGHTER* You lose another hundred points, and any chance of fathering that child you and your wife always wanted. *BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* "IAIAIAIIIAHAH ARGLE ARGA AIAIAIAIIIIIIIIII!"

Which makes it your turn, Rick. "Since it's the best choice left, I'll take 5-d mathematical proofs." Your question is: Can you do a Five dimensional mathematical proof? "Um... no?" Is the correct answer! "Great!" You get to pick again! "I am so screwed." Yes, you are, Rick. Yes, you are. "I'm going to take Things you will never get right." I'm thinking of a number. What is it? "Twelve?" WRONG! *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* Look at him squirm. He's so cute.

And now, finally, since none of you chose it, the final category, Things you thought no one knew about your past, which you had prayed would never come out into the open, becomes our Final Question! Yes the Final Question, which all of you must answer. You'll have thirty seconds. Your question is: What is your darkest, most hideous secret, the thing you had prayed would never become common knowledge? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee DEE deedeedeedeedee dee dee dee dee you get the idea. Time's up!

Rick, you get to answer first. "Goody." What is your answer, Rick? "I, um, I still wet my bed." WRONG! *BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT* That's pretty embarrassing, Rick, but you and I both know that your deepest-held secret was the time you knocked your secretary out with Roofies, took advantage of her, and then fired her for getting pregnant. She was never aware that you were the father, Rick, but she knows now! You lose 500 points, and probably every chance of living a normal life.

Minnie? "I- I- I-" Come on, Minnie. You can do it. We have faith in you. "I-I-I-I-" Time's up! Little Minnie, here, pays the neighborhood children to have sex with her! Minnie, return to the shattered wreckage of your meaningless existance. "Y-Y-Y-you're n-n-not g-g-gonna z-z-z-z-zap m-me ag-ag-again?" Any more and you wouldn't be in any condition to appreciate the horrors of your life now.

And, finally, Mark, it's to you. "I have to, right?" You have to. "I, I killed a kid, once. Hit him with my car. I covered it up, and nobody knew a thing. I'm an important man, or was, before this. Now, I'm probably going to jail." THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, MARK! MARK IS OUR NEW CHAMPION!

I was feeling a bit cynical. I feel better now.