. . .

Iambic pentameter is easy!

A handy course, a handy guide. It'll change your life. You too can talk like Shakespeare, walk like Shakespeare, swim with, live with, eat like Shakespeare. It's so simple, even a child can do it, no matter how cliche that appears, no matter how silly that sounds. You will be enspeared. You will be intershaked. It is inevitable as the holy rollerskates of the divine mantra. Chant it with me now.

"I I I I I I like you very much. I I I I I" no? Forgotten the words? That's all right, we're not interested in your petty distinctions. There are no words. There is no melody. There is only Zuul.

I'm sounding very much like me, this morning. This is goodThis is bad.

We continue.

In other quadrant, Invaders are approaching from the North. And the South. And the West. And the North by Northwest. No, that's spittle on the monitor. I get so excited by this job. I keep shouting, "The invaders are coming! The invaders are coming!" Sometimes I get my wife to pretend to be the invaders. Hold on. Got a call on the other line.

It's the President. It's for you.

Well, say something! This is an historic event!

All right. I'll accomodate your shyness. Wouldn't have thought it of you. Ahem. Mr. President? I've been asked to interpret for this fine gentlebeing here, as hesheitthey are too shy to speak to such an august personage. Being as how I am being as is the Greatest Individual On The Face Of The Planet! (TM, supplies limited, not available in stores, collect them all!) I have consented to do them. This service! The service of talking to you, I mean. After all, unless I can figure out a way to morph this thing depending on who is reading it. Which I can't. Unless I do it chooseyourownadventure style.

"27 - if Alloni has seen you before, go to 52. If not, go to 64.

52 - if Alloni finds you attractive, go to some number other than 69, because that's so cliche under the circumstances, don't you think? There's got to be some other number suitable for the occasion. How about 8? Good, round number. Plus it's nicely curved. Sorta hourglassish. 8 it is. Otherwise, go away.

64 - Why? Doesn't the purity of my speech, the wonder that is my every word and deed, don't they inspire you to come to my door and revel in my presence? I am shocked and offended! Would it help if I told you what I was wearing? Would it help if I described what I wasn't wearing? Would it help if I charged you $8.99 for the first minute and $3.99 each additional minute? If so, go to 52. If not, go to hell, you ungrateful troglodyte.

8 - Mademoiselle, your eyes glint like sparkling gemstones. The blush of the red apple is in your cheeks, the sheen of the ripe cherry in your lips. Your lower intestine coils like the fairest of serpents in all the land. My bed, tonight, 8 o'clock, bring the parakeet."

I was going somewhere with this. Somewhere... dangerous.

Oh, yes. I was about to malign you in front of the President, wasn't I. Ahem. Since I have decided to fulfill their every need (and don't forget to wear that one outfit, by the way. Did you get it sewed back together after last time?) I will speak now or forever hold their piece. Of tail! Go in peace.

Or in pieces. Your choice.