. . .

Closing time

Sweepin' up. Sweep sweep sweep. Yup yup yup.

God, I'm bored. Bored bored bored. Yup yup yup.

So. Anyone tell me I have beautiful eyes? No, I didn't think so.

In other news: there is nothing else to do but pray for a miracle.

I said, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT PRAY FOR A MIRACLE!

Cue the miracle! I said miracle, goddammit! Oh, hell with it. I'll just have to wing it. Um, there, it sure is a good thing someone left this handy bottle of, um, nitroglycerine here! I'll just throw it at the Bad Guy Du Jour, and everything will be BOOM!

Is he gone? Bastard. Stealing all my best skits. Why, if I had my way, he'd be drawn and quartered. Into quarters! Shiny quarters! With instead of an eagle, a face! And instead of the face, an eagle! Only the face is like, screaming in agony or something. But it's all scary and stuff. Like, the Twilight Zone. I can even put on spooky music, if it'll help. It probably won't. I can tell you're just not in the mood for scary. Which means that the only answer is to hastily convert the show into a musical comedy. A bit of set changery and we're there. The two genres are far more similar than one would as one would think. In fact, Roddy boy himself decided only with difficulty that he'd rather poke out both his eyeballs with a rusty piece of glass than ever sing on live television again.

And believing you me, you haven't and willn't livededing until you've heard Mr. Serling perform Oklahoma in his operatic tenor. Which means that this and any future generation will be born dead, due to his brutal demise at the hands of a heroin-crazed lima bean. And believelet you to my direction, a lima bean on heroin is one lima bean who won't take no for an answer, unless it's to the question, "Are you gay?" Because, hey, if you're not ready to come out of the closet, that's no business of mine. Even though these video recordings show the full story. However, for a small fee, I'll make sure they don't become public, and your horrible, horrible, twisted and depraved secret will remain between the two of us, plus your friends, family, and anyone else I'd think might possibly be interested. And those guys in that rest stop bathroom. And the Beach Boys. And Chaney.

Didn't you know you were committing an unnatural act with the vice president? I'd've thought it would be something you'd pay attention to.

Of course, if you're female, and you were having sex with other females, if you also Did The Dirty with Chaney, that wouldn't be gayness, it would just be sick and wrong in an entirely different way. In which case, I'll be keeping the videos for the private collection. Thank you. You've been very... accomodating. You may go now. Don't forget to wipe your feet on the way out. Panthers, you know.