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Really low airfaresBah.BAH. Fantasy these days. It doesn't even deserve the name. Because I feel like it, I'm going to mock the particular example of the genre I'm reading, and, by extension, all others like it. And, by extension from that, all fantasy, and, extending from that, all fiction, and by extending from that, all books everywhere, so I'm basically criticizing the last several thousand years of civilization. No need to thank me, just doing my job. Ahem. (Hero comes in. You can tell he's Good because he can Kill Things.) Hero: Look! I'm... GOOD! (Hero does a little "I am good" dance.) (Villain comes in. You can tell he's Evil because he can Kill Things.) Villain: Look! I'm... EVIL! (Villain does a little dance to demonstrate his evil.) (Hero gets rescued from Almost Certain Death by Heroine. (Since, in this particular case, Almost Certain Death consisted of being sacrificed on an Aztec altar, I'd go so far as to say it was Certain Death.) Hero performs the "I'm going to have sex with the Heroine!" dance.) Villain: Grr! There are Good People here! I must Kill Them All! (Villain performs the dance of Creating Mighty Evil Army.) Heroine: There is Evil in those woods! Won't anyone listen to me? (The Good Council laughs at her and throws fruit. But good fruit. Not rotten. They are, after all, Good.) I will go and investigate for myself, and bring back proof! Villain: Aha! A Heroine! I will immediately capture her and feel wicked lustful thoughts! Heroine: Oooh! I hate you, Villain! You're like mean, and stuff. Villain: (Rubs his hands together and laughs Evilly.) Hero: A ha! I will rescue you! (He and his Handpicked Band of Good Guys rescue Heroine.) Gee, that was a close one. Gosh, and I had the chance to kill Villain, and I didn't take it. Woe is me. Heroine: You are _such_ a gimp. Villain: Despite the fact that I have thousands of followers, many of whom are presumably still young, female, and attractive, I still lust after Heroine. Arrrrrr! Hero: Arrrrr? Villain: They're pirate noises. Pirates are evil. Arrrr! Hero: Whatever. Villain: I'll show you! Heroine: See, Good Council? There are Evil people around! (The Good Council throws bigger fruit.) (Time passes) Hero: Wow, this war has gone on forever. Gee, it's a good thing we both have armies around to do our bidding. And, usefully enough, each of us has an Engineer on our side to create new and exciting things for us to kill eachother with! Isn't that swell? Villain: See? I'm like a pirate now! Arrrr! Hero: Wait a minute. What am I worried about? I have a sword that makes me invulnerable in combat. Why don't I just go and slaughter the entire opposing army? No, on second thought, I won't. Just 'cause. Heroine: Lalalala. I'm just going to sit here on this island. No one is interested in me. I've seen enemy ships coming near here, but they're probably just Japanese tourists. Villain: Arrr! Heroine: That was probably just the wind. Villain: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Heroine: THAT WAS PROBABLY JUST THE WIND, I SAID. Villain's henchman: Heck with this. (attacks Heroine) Heroine: Eek! Where did all those Evil people come from? Hero: I'll save you from being A MORON. Heroine: Thank you, Hero. Now I'm going to end the war. Which I could have done all along, but decided to wait all this time, because I had to wait for my nails to dry. (She does, and kills the Villain, but dies in the process.) Hero: Boo hoo! My heart shall never bear the loss! I will... hey, sweet thing. Doing anything after this book is over? Villain's henchman: (cackling) There will be a sequel, Good people. THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha cough wheeze choke BAH.
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