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Alloni FAQ. v0.9

Due to frequent requests, popular demand, a run in my stockings, a fire in my belly, and intense boredom, I have compiled this list of frequently asked questions for your enlightenment. Please verify the answers with your local Alloni, as there is some regional variation.

1) So what exactly _IS_ an Alloni?

An entity. A mystery. The hope of civilized man. Wherever the spark in the soul of humanity flies free, wherever dreams come true, wherever justice must be served, there you find Alloni.

He also does weddings and bar mitzvahs.

2) Does Alloni hate his parents?

Oddly enough, no, though there is some evidence that they are part of a secret government plot to drive him mad. Luckily, no one will notice.

3) Why does Alloni have antennae? Are they part of the suit, or do they actually grow out of his head?

A mixture of both, actually. While Alloni does have actual bony protrusions sticking out the top of his head, the suit, using foam rubber, molds them and shapes them into the antennae we all know and love. In their natural state, they look more like horns, and that just wouldn't do at all.

4) Were Alloni's breasts really duct-taped to his chest for the filming of the first movie?

Alloni is All-Natural, Bay-BEE.

5) Are the rumors of an Alloni live-action movie true? When can we expect to see it?

Filming has already begun, although some directorial disputes prevent us from giving you a firm release date. I can, however, verify that the part of Agent John Steele will be played by former president Grover Cleveland.

6) In season 3, episode 42, _Fear In The Darkness_, we see Alloni being captured by a horde of Xetubian mercenaries and delivered to the Gozod where he faces certain doom. But in episode 16, _Penance Of A Planet_, Alloni saves both the life and honor of the High Xellegot, making him a beloved hero of the Xetubian people. Now, since the Xetubians share an psycho-emotional hive-mind -- which is clearly established in episode 16 as permeating all of proto-space -- the mercenaries would have recognized and respected him even if they had been absent from Xetubia during the entire Ultrazian Ordeal (unlikely though that may be!) Since this couldn't possibly be a continuity error, the only thing my friends and I can think of is that the Primary Stratus Array in orbit over G'oz must have been counter-resonating through frequency six of proto-space, enabling the Gozod to control the emotions and loyalties of the Xetubians in question. But if this were the case the Gozod should have figured it out long ago (they're stupid, but not _that_ stupid!) and used it to effectively enslave the entire population of Xetubia, thereby controlling all access to DeepStar 8, and ultimately, the entire League Council! A friend of mine has suggested that perhaps this has already happened -- explaining Brigadier General McClintoch's odd and arguably treasonous behavior in episode 63, _The Cost Of The Victorious_ -- but I don't buy it. The entire psychic resonance of the Xetubian people would almost surely be changed, and any newling Tantarran would notice *that*. Anyway, we were hoping you could clear up this friendly little debate for us. What's the real story?

What is not frequently known is that while, yes, the Xetubians are psycho-emotionally bonded to each other in hive-mind, there is more than one hive-mind in space. Once the fledgling Xetubian has been inculcated with the cerebral interference pattern of its own Hive-Core, it is unable to even recognize the existence of Xetubians belonging to different Cores (thus explaining the often misunderstood scene in episode 47 when the Xetubian ensign passes by the scion of the High Xellegot without performing the ceremonial forehead twiddle required in such situations).

7) There's been a lot of waffling on this issue, and the american people are still waiting for a definitive answer: Is Alloni strong enough for a man, OR is he made for a woman?

Alloni is quite definitely made for a woman.

8) Is there any validity to the rumors that Alloni was on the grassy knoll that fateful day in dallas, or that he will be acting as a creative consultant for the writing of Oliver Stone's _JFK 2: The Next Dimension_?

Due to advice from his legal staff, Alloni is unable to respond meaningfully to this question. Rest assured that once blame for the assassination has been finally and permanently placed on the shoulders of some poor patsy where it quite clearly belongs, Alloni will be ready to make a final statement on this matter.

9) How many pancakes does it take an Alloni to shingle a doghouse?

Two.

10) Is it true that the faster an Alloni goes, the rounder it gets?

As Allonis have yet to be observed reaching speeds above Mach 1, no definitive answer is available. However, a suspicious rounding of the edges at speeds approaching this limit have been observed, so we can assume this to be the case in the absence of further data. Professor Angus of the University of Manchester is seeking a grant for further study on this matter.

11) If six Allonis were locked in a box together, with a gun with 5 rounds, how much would a 13-year-old virgin cost in Kuala Lumpur?

$1.19, allowing for the scarcity of virgins in Kuala Lumpur.

12) Has Alloni ever seen Fennifer's breasts unclothed?

Alloni denies all knowledge of Fennifer.

13) Would Alloni prefer six of one or half a dozen of the other?

Alloni would prefer 13 of both.

14) How many rooms would a mushroom mush if a mushroom could mush rooms?

2 every 36 minutes.

15) If Alloni drives toward Texas at 65 mph and doubles his speed every 47 minutes until he reaches the speed of light and Texas expands exponentially at the same rate, who is the king of Spain?

King Juan Carlos I, as of this writing.

16) How big are Alloni's socks?

Size 14DD.

17) How much would Alloni weigh on the moon? On the sun?

23 lbs, 3920 lbs.

18) While weighing himself on the sun, how long would it take for Alloni Kramer to burst into flames and be reduced to component elements?

Less than .001 seconds.

19) If Alloni were an animal, what would he be?

A question that has been debated for some time now, popular answers include a ferret, an otter, a cat, a hawk, a dolphin, two chipmunks, and a horse named Simon.

20) Will any of the questions in this FAQ actually be answered?

No.

21) If Alloni and Kramer were two different personalities, could they be persuaded to mate and have offspring? If so, how many kids and what are their names?

It could conceivably happen, and, if so, the children would be hideous abominations and affronts to nature, much like Alloni himself. There would be three of them, and they would be called Alpha, Omega, and Billy.

22) Why can't I ping Alloni? C:\>ping Alloni Unknown host Alloni.

Alloni is connected to the Internet at all times, so the malfunction is at your end. Check with your sysadmin.

23) What does Alloni do... for fun? for pain? for the realization that everyone is better than him in every way?

He flies.

24) Is Alloni publicly traded on the Dow or the NASDAQ? Does Alloni's past performance guarantee future earnings?

Yes, under the key ALNI. In this constantly changing world, nothing is absolutely guaranteed, of course, but we are confident enough of our performance to provide a handy shoulder to cry on if his future earnings don't match past performance - at no additional charge.

25) When will Alloni write the sequel to his runaway bestseller "Life, the Universe, and the Secrets of Marrying A Millionaire Extraterrestrial and Achieving Transendence in Thirty Days Or Your Money Back"?

Due to the fact that all Alloni's bestselling novels are written directly from personal experience, the sequel, "How To Use Your Vast Cosmic Illumination To Make Trillions In The Stock Market, Buy A Third-World Country, And Turn It Into Paradise On Earth Or Your Money Back" is not going to come out until early 2003.

26) Hang on, now. Did Alloni REALLY write his runaway bestseller, or did he steal it from a massive cache of posthumous writings by the late, great social revolutionary L. Ron Hubbard?

Alloni denies everything. Especially that L. Ron Hubbard was a great social revolutionary.

27) If yellow plus blue makes green, what color is Alloni's pancreas?

A torrid shade of puce.

28) Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

All of the above - and more!

29) How do you turn on Alloni's Cheat Mode? God Mode? Angered God Mode?

Press Cntrl-Alt-Shift while typing "turnipsauce". Type &ha&ha&ha,you*suck. Poke him in the bellybutton unexpectedly.